And so, Another Eulogy

Having already written, delivered and published eulogies for my parents and my partner, I thought it only right to add that of my late mother in law, who died last month. Whatever pretensions I may ever have had as a writer (ie, none) this would not have been my chosen specialist area.

Pamela Joan New 1934 - 2023 

This is the eulogy I never expected to have to give. Ordinarily, it would have fallen to Paul, the son Pam loved so much, but sadly he’s no longer with us, so I am hoping that I can do both of them justice today. Please forgive me if I have forgotten or missed anything about Pam, whom I was fortunate enough to know for 35 years.

Pam was born on 30 December 1934 in Wincanton, the only child of Frank and Gladys. The family lived on Mill Street in the town, although they stayed in touch with their extended families in Nailsea, Yatton and Clevedon. They were frequent visitors to Nailsea, where Frank’s family had lived for generations, and she was especially fond of her aunt Hilda, who ran West End Stores. She also had many cousins on the Payne side of the family, some of whom are with us today.

In 1956, Pam married local lad Ronald New and the couple moved to Bristol, where Ron worked for the GPO (later to become British Telecom). In 1965, they adopted a son, Paul, and the family made their home in Headley Park, in a home with one of the finest views of the city.

When Paul was very young Pam worked part time, temping, but in later years she joined Royal Mail Customer Services, from where she retired with 20 years’ service. After her retirement she kept active, volunteering with the WRVS at Bristol Royal Infirmary for several years.

I first met Pam in 1988 – Paul and I had met at Manchester University, and he took me by train to meet his mother and to show me his home city. At Stafford station he spotted a fruit machine in need of emptying and hopped off the train, leaving me potentially heading for a city I’d never been to and trying to locate a woman I had never met!

Thankfully, he made the train connection and I met Pam, thus starting a relationship which lasted until her recent death. Pam’s mother Gladys was by this time in a care home in Clevedon, having been diagnosed with the same dementia which Pam subsequently developed. Pam made weekly visits from Bristol to Clevedon to visit her, initially on her moped and later in her little Fiesta – it was only after she moved to Nailsea that I realised quite what the journey ‘up over Failand’ entailed on a moped! Paul and I visited as often as we could for the ten years Gladys lived at the Belmont care home in Clevedon and as a result, I was fortunate to meet most of the extended Payne family at family parties prior to Gladys’ death in 1996.

When she and Ron divorced in 1981, Pam had started to indulge her passion for foreign travel – firstly with Paul and later with Brian Evans, the man who was to be her partner and constant companion for 30 years. Together they visited all parts of the globe and had many tales to tell of cruises and excursions.

Her retirement allowed her to continue this, and to make frequent visits to Manchester to see her grandchildren Megan and Josh grow up. She also had the benefit of additional ‘grandchildren’ in Aneurin and Huw, Brian’s grandsons, who were just across the Pennines in Leeds. Meg and Josh were extremely fond of ‘Uncle Brian’ and we were all deeply saddened when he was diagnosed with cancer. Pam spent much of the time that he was ill caring for him in his home at Whitchurch (they always maintained separate homes) and after his death, she returned to Headley Park only to find that it no longer felt like ‘home’ and so began a new chapter in her life.

At the age of 77, she upped sticks and moved back to Nailsea, where most of her family hailed from. The Bakers had been resident in the West End of Nailsea for generations and she and I were able to piece together much of the family history, thanks to Aunty Hilda’s role as custodian of family documents and photos. It is Pam’s wish to have her ashes interred in the family plot at Holy Trinity church where her grandmother Annie, grandfather Charley and Hilda all rest. 

The move was the best move she could have made at that time. She was very happy in her bungalow on Ashton Crescent, and she was also close to several of her cousins. She attended Holy Trinity and became active in social events there. Her cousin Brenda and her husband Dave were always at hand when Pam needed help and we are so grateful for their love and support when we were so far away.

In 2018, her memory started to fail and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Unable to continue to live independently, she moved into residential care at Silver Trees Care Home in Nailsea, where she continued to have fun, make friends and have a very good quality of life for several more years. Meg, Josh and I are extremely grateful to all the staff there who made her time with them so rewarding, and for the kindness and support they have shown us as a family over the last year when we were dealing with Paul’s illness and our grief after his death.

She remained unaware of the tragically early death of her beloved son almost a year ago. I consulted family members and we all agreed that it was kinder not to tell her, as it would have been terribly upsetting for her to no good purpose. Her memories of him, while they remained, will have been of a devoted and loving son, who cared for her in her failing health as she had done for her mother. The children and I have done our best over the last eleven months to continue this legacy on his behalf, and I hope we have done him proud.

Pam’s was a life well lived. From rural Somerset to the Taj Mahal and the Great Wall of China, she was always delighted by the world around her and by those she loved. She was delighted to learn that Megan did indeed “have a boyfriend” (a frequently occurring question) and in the short time he knew her Logan has been a great support to us on trips out and looking after Pam with us.

And while I will now have my birthday back (we were both born on 30 December) it will be especially poignant from now on, as Pam will no longer be there to share it.